A Reintroduction

Part (1) 

Hi! I wanted to do a little reintroduction for those that may be new to following me or those that have been here for the long haul!

When I started this page I was deep in my fitness lifestyle - training like a beast, oh how I loved being strong & competitive & a little obsessive. Things have changed A LOT!

I was a trainer, nutrition specialist, & hairstylist. I worked insane hours & was “addicted” to working out, helping people, & being “successful” (my idea of success has shifted a lot - I will talk about that later).

I basically either held space for people to share their deep life issues or I watched people avoid their deep life issues by working out, dieting & or were stuck in cycles of self-sabotage. In either case, I began to see a common theme many weren’t aware of.

As I was going through the beginning of my healing journey, I realized I had been using exercise as a way to distance myself from my emotions (dissociate). The external validation I got from winning competitions only reinforced the lack of self-love & acceptance I was failing to provide myself.

I saw the codependent tendencies that kept me in a relationship that during that time had moments of beauty but many compromises & far too much pain. I essentially compromised speaking my truth until I couldn’t even connect with what my truth was anymore - I believed the parts of me that were accepting a half-par life, disconnecting the relationship with my intuition that would scream to me to choose differently until I couldn’t discern between what was right for me anymore.

I began to see all of the parts of me that were trying to keep me “safe” … where I was essentially operating as a numb human being - disconnected from feeling anything even the good stuff - just so as not to feel the pain.

I had no connection to my anger, my joy, my expression, I couldn’t receive because I couldn’t trust - this trust went deeper than trusting others but I had lost trust in myself… I was empty inside.

I was overworked & broken.

That’s what lead me to Cost Rica for my first plant medicine journey which planted the seed for the deepest transformation of my life. 

Emotional moments during my transformation in Costa Rica

This is a girl I hope to not come home and see with the same eyes ...

Part (2)

I remember the first shaman I sat with telling me there was life before ayahuasca & there was life after, after years of sitting with this sacred medicine I can now say that this is absolutely true if you are integrating the work. And yes my life has shifted in ways I really couldn’t have even dreamed of or asked for - as I was so limited in what I thought was possible for me.

When I first sat with this medicine I knew I had only removed 1 of the bricks that lay around my heart, I knew I wanted to continue this healing journey.

I came home from Costa Rica in the middle of a prep for a fitness/bikini competition, & what had been such a huge part of my identity made no sense to me any longer. I told my coach that I wasn’t continuing & began to get to know myself without this identity I had held onto for dear life. It felt weird & I still have days that I want to run back to my old life & businesses because it feels “safe” … those days are much more far & few between now … but the surface fear then (which was super strong) was without it I would be fat - the deeper layer was without this part of me I would have to feel. 

If I felt, what would that mean what would that look like? My protective parts were going to do everything possible to help me not to have to feel - that would just be too scary - too many unknowns. This part of me was willing to compromise, feel pain, just to stay “safe” - how many of you can relate? 

This part of me was quite present for a few years, as it took some time for me to heal the parts of her that were making her feel like this was her lifeline - looking a certain way, exercising every single day more often than not 2x a day. I suffered with a binge eating disorder that started when I was in high school & exasperated during this period of my life. 

Part 3

What I came to find while I was finding balance in fitness & overcoming an eating disorder was that the way I was participating in the fitness industry was the opposite of what my body needed, what my nervous system needed. It was a brewing pot for body dysmorphia, an eating disorder, and a great way to disassociate, compare myself, and judge myself & others, I was compromising my hormone & gut health among many other things. 

I look at fitness now with new eyes & a new approach & I finally feel I’ve found balance. This is not to shame anyone who is deep in the fitness industry, I had some amazing moments & learned a lot about how mentally strong I can be when needed … but I am choosing now a lifestyle that is much more centered around a holistic approach to wellness (lifting heavy things is still a part of that ;) movement & discipline is still a priority for me, I just have a different relationship with it now.

I could see how out of balance my life was - my priorities were self-centered & I can see that it was a coping mechanism that may have also hurt people along the way.

As I started to get to know the new me, without all the protective armor, I began to realize I had been living in survival mode for the majority of my life. Starting at age 16 in an abusive relationship/marriage, to single motherhood at 25 with three small girls, school, work, and then a child with brain tumors, followed by more unhealthy relationships, all while trying to give my children what I thought was a good life - at some point I checked out. My nervous system was in overwhelm. I began to stay so busy & distract myself & numbed out to everything.

As this awareness came to me I had the deepest levels of compassion & patience for myself, & slowly began to accept & gradually began letting go of the shame & guilt for reacting to life from this overwhelmed & wounded place.

I continued to go deeper into my own healing escapades, plant medicine became my greatest teacher, as well as a few mentors. I invested in countless workshops, courses, healing & coaching sessions as I began to unravel all of the parts of me. This is where life begins to get fun!

Part 4

This is where life began to shift, get interesting & full of richness. The short version of the love story of how my current partner & I met. 

While I was at the retreat in Costa Rica I was casually talking w/someone there about wanting to continue the medicine work. He told me of a place in CA (he was from NY) knowing I wanted to continue this healing journey, I sat in this medicine circle 2 weeks after returning.

This became a home I held close to my heart quickly, a school of self-reflection & transformation & connection back to God - which somewhere along the line I had lost connection with (but that's for another post). 

The shaman Kai, was my teacher for the next two years, someone I looked to for spiritual teachings & guidance & had so much respect for. I never thought that one day he would be dropping hints that he was interested in me (me completely not seeing them), & when I finally did begin to see I would say, “But he’s my teacher”… welp two & a half years later I can say that having my teacher as my partner is the most incredible gift. I/we have no space for stagnancy, this relationship pulls from the core of our existence a thirst for growth & elevation, pushing us to our growth edges, & expanding our heart in ways that I just didn’t know was possible.

At the beginning of my relationship with Kai two years or so into my healing journey & a lot of inner work, I was still not able to receive. I had a deep wounding around receiving after feeling that I was a burden in the past & had things thrown back in my face when I did ask for help. I had created this strong & independent part that did not need anything from anyone, NOTHING! When I would open my hands to receive medicine or receive a blessing, my hands would shake & my fingers would curl in.  During our group shares, my voice would tremble & I would rush through what I had to say because I didn’t want to take up space. Two deep core woundings that I had, being in this relationship w/a partner that lifts me up & pushes me to rise have changed all of that.

Part 5

I could spend an entire day talking about how this love & partnership has been such a gift, but I will try to share the ways that it has guided me into a new direction in life & how I am now choosing to offer my services to the world. Through self-love & growth, I've been able to transform from someone who shies away from receiving to one who is open to the beauty that life has to offer. My journey has inspired some of the deepest of initiations. What a ride it has been. Where do I begin? When I chose to partner with Kai, I also chose to step into a place of leadership by his side. This was a decision that was not taken lightly, we discussed what that meant & the responsibility I was undertaking (I trust in time I will share more about this) but for now I will share that working towards being a Mahdrina (spiritual mother) of a church was something I never imagined myself experiencing & now something that I would feel so empty without. I am still growing in many aspects of how I show up, yet I can see far I have come. I may go deeper in posts to come about specific transformations, in hopes to ignite inspiration in others.

One of the greatest things I chose to do was to deepen my studies within the integrative studies of trauma therapy, somatic psychotherapy, & parts work (IFS). I enrolled in a program (w/the best teacher @jessicabenstock) thinking I wanted to be a better space holder, which it definitely helped me to become, however, the profound journey I went on within my own understanding of self & others CHANGED MY LIFE.

I already knew that I wanted to show up differently for my clients & followers, & help them on a deeper level, & my process of healing, study, & introspection has given me immense capacity to understand the process of others, which now helps me guide with even more compassion, understanding, & awareness. I can now feel it in my body a deep knowing of what ways I want to now help others, it’s clear as day. What I've come to learn is that I most want to work with those individuals who are ready to glean a deeper understanding of themselves as they embark on the quest for transformation. With support & the right tools, change really is right in front of you.

And so began the shift from the gym of building muscle to the gym of understanding of self.

Thanks for reading, to be continued ...